Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
