96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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