She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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