Me. At least after what I've been through.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
