Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
