You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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