I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
