Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
