I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
