I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
