i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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