I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
