u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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