you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
