Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
