Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
