i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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