I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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