it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
