Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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