I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
