Kiss
Puke
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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