I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
