We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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