if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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