I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
