Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
how drunk are you?
Several
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
