the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Randomize
