He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i came on her dog
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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