apparently the secret to your success is patron
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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