I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
