I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
