i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
