My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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