I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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