chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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