A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
