I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
