dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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