Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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