My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
