im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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