I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
