thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
