Got a toothbrush?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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