i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
