She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
