Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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