OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
