I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
